If I had a time machine,
made from a stellar implosion and a quantum string,
I'd travel back to ancient Rome,
where I must have dropped the first cell phone.
I'd visit the future once or twice.
I'd invent the Antikythera device.
The Voynich Manuscript, that was also me.
It's actually a chicken recipe.
I'd have all of history at my disposal,
from Alexander the Great to Karl von Cosel.
First, I'd take a few snapshots of the dinosaurs,
then I'd pelt Issac Newton with some apple cores.
Drop in on Hemingway to shoot the breeze,
but I'd pass on that drink with Socrates.
I could wait in Roswell for the aliens to land,
or learn the identity of The Somerton Man.
I could wait in Roswell for the aliens to land,
or learn the identity of The Somerton Man.
Killing Hitler, you'd think I'd have that one nailed,
but Operation Valkyrie has already failed.
This time travel stuff is a little confusing.
Cause and effect, nuclear headache inducing.
It could all turn out I'm my own great grand pa,
but then how did I get here after all?
Well, at least I'd be here and able to dream,
if I had a time machine.
I suppose I could have hyperlinked some of the obscure references here, but I didn't want the whole thing to be a minefield of blue words. So, instead, I figured that I'd make it like a scavenger hunt and turn this into a contest. I figure that there are about...oh, a dozen or so different references, some familiar, some obscure. The first person to find at least five of them and post descriptions of each in a comment below will be the first recipient of the soon-to-be-coveted "Fountain of Useless Knowledge Award" Feel free to use Google or Wikipedia, or whatever. Consider it an open book test. If more than one person submits the answers before I get around to approving the comments, I have no problem giving out multiple awards. I have an infinite pile of these things.
I suppose I could have hyperlinked some of the obscure references here, but I didn't want the whole thing to be a minefield of blue words. So, instead, I figured that I'd make it like a scavenger hunt and turn this into a contest. I figure that there are about...oh, a dozen or so different references, some familiar, some obscure. The first person to find at least five of them and post descriptions of each in a comment below will be the first recipient of the soon-to-be-coveted "Fountain of Useless Knowledge Award" Feel free to use Google or Wikipedia, or whatever. Consider it an open book test. If more than one person submits the answers before I get around to approving the comments, I have no problem giving out multiple awards. I have an infinite pile of these things.
I'll probably wait a little bit to post any of the comments. You know, give everybody a chance.
ReplyDeleteAntikythera mechanism: First known scientific calculator. Supposedly based on Greek mathematics, but how could they be so smart? They were the ones who convicted Socrates of "corrupting the youth," and made him drink hemlock. Which technically made it suicide. And speaking of suicide, ol' Ernest Hemingway killed himself with a shotgun (although his wife said it was just a cleaning accident).
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of dead men, did you ever hear about the guy they found in Australia? Tam Shud to you, too.
Let's see - the Voynich mystery is an even bigger Enigma than the Somerton Man. We don't even know what language those 240 pages are written in.
Of course, Operation Valkyrie was when Tom Cruise tried to kill Adolph, and "I Am My Own Grandpa," was that classic 1947 song by Dwight Latham and Moe Jaffe (although they stole the idea from Mark Twain.
I would like my award now, please.
Oh, and I am a little flabbergasted. I was going to write my "If I Had a Time Machine" post in rhyme. Now I have to come up with my own gag.
Good job Doug. I lost count of how many that was, but it was definitely at least five. Consider the award yours.
ReplyDeleteAnd no, everybody, I haven't lost my mind and started responding to comments that aren't there. I just haven't posted Doug's comment yet. Of course, this will sound weird once I Do post his comment, but whatever.
Anyway that's one, but the contest is still open.
Oh, and feel free to rhyme all you want.
ReplyDeleteI'm almost ashamed to admit that the only reference I had to look up was Karl von Cosel. There are times when I am a bit stunned and dismayed at the amount of completely useless knowledge in my head.
ReplyDelete@darev2005: I think I just had an epiphany about your name. I've been reading it as "dare v", but from what you've said on your blog in the past, it just dawned that perhaps I'm supposed to read it as "da rev" Yeah, that didn't take me too long to figure out, or anything.
ReplyDeleteI'll take you word on your wealth of useless knowledge. I'll have to consult with the award committee on whether they'll accept that alone, though. At any rate, I hope you enjoyed the von Cossel story. Touching isn't it? A little...too touching?
Yeah, these comments don't look weird or anything. I'll just keep having my imaginary tea party. What's that Doug? More sugar?
ReplyDeleteI LOVE your rhyme! Too cool. I'm going to pass on the useless knowledge award on account of the fact that my brain and body are hardly functioning right now... but I'll be back to read the answers after you get around to posting them. :)
ReplyDelete@Rachel: But doesn't it look enticing? It looks like a urinal out in the open on a public street, and the poor kid is just a little too short to use it. You know you want it.
ReplyDeleteAlso, Doug has covered most of it for me. I'll probably post my own list though.
Great post Bryan.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jim.
ReplyDeleteWell I was doing it in between calling people about their orders and the insanity that is the store and yelling at kids for running...but now that Doug's already won I feel like I've failed and there's no point in trying to do it. :(
ReplyDeleteAww, I was invited to the imaginary tea party. I'm touched.
ReplyDelete@Chanel: Telling kids not to run? Is there a pool in the store? Ha Ha! Seriously though, more than one person can win the award, and it ain't over yet.
ReplyDelete@Taboo: I imagine that at the time machine repair shop, they hand it back to you fixed when you walk in the door.
@Doug: It's your unbirthday.
Anything that starts with a black hole and a single strand of quantum energy has my love...and dinosaurs! Did you know I do a velociraptor impression? Not a real one, since I have no time machine myself, but patterned after the movies. I so want a triceratops. That is the real reason time machines are bad. Everyone would have a baby triceratops in their back yard. Who's up for a trip down the rabbit hole with Bryan? The vorpal blade went snicker snack. Pretty sure there is some interesting physics going on in that sword.
ReplyDeleteYes, it's Da Rev, as in The Reverend. It stems from several years ago when I collected ordinations from odd churches. Mostly those places that would ordain you for money through the mail. I started my own sect. The Meta Erisian Gnostic Apokalypse of the First Illuminated Slack Soldiers Temple- Discordian Church of Elvis. No money in it and no tax exempt status, but it's been a giggle or two.
ReplyDelete@Charlie: A baby triceratops sounds cute, but you probably can't flush them down the toilet when they start getting too big.
ReplyDelete@Rev: <- That's what I'll call you now. I see sanity isn't a requirement to work as a guard these days :)
Alright, it seems Doug was the only one up for the challenge. In twenty more minutes I'll post the comments, and the polls will be closed.
ReplyDeleteOkay, times up. Comments published. Enjoy your award Doug. You're the one and only winner.
ReplyDeleteEverybody else, I'm sure there'll be other chances to win the Useless knowledge award. Hopefully things'll go better next time.
On to the answers:
1.) "Stellar Implosion" refers to a black hole. According to relativity, the extreme gravity has time altering properties. Quantum string refers to string theory, which I don't pretend to know much about.
2.) "Antikythera Device" refers to a mechanism found on the bottom of the Mediterranean. It's purpose is unknown, and it seems too advanced for the technology of the time it dates from. Speculation has ranged from aliens to, yep, time travelers.
3.) "Voynich Manuscript" refers to an mysterious manuscript who's authorship and purpose is unknown. It is written in a unknown language or a code that has resisted the best efforts to decipher it. The "chicken recipe" bit was thrown in as a reference to the colonel's secret recipe for KFC chicken, another enduring but less intriguing mystery.
4.) "Alexander the Great" Ancient Greek leader who conquered most of the known world.
5.) "Karl von Cossel" Doctor who fell in love with one of his patients. After her death, he stole her corpse and conducted a...ummm...love affair which lasted many years. I would also have accepted "Yuck" or "Gross" as an answer.
6.) "pelting Newton with apple cores" refers to the legend that Newton was inspired to formulate his theory of gravity after being hit on the head with an apple.
7.) "Shooting the breeze with Hemingway" refers to the fact that Hemingway shot himself.
8.) "Pass on that drink with Socrates" refers to the fact that Socrates was executed by being forced to drink hemlock.
9.) "Roswell" Many people believe aliens landed there in the 1950's
10.) "The Somerton Man" refers to the victim of the infamous Taman Shud case. His identity and the cause of his death remain a mystery. His picture was also briefly used as a profile photo by a certain smart-ass blogger.
11.) "Operation Valkyrie" refers to failed plot to kill Hitler. Events constantly seemed to conspire to thrwart the plan, as if fate were trying to preserve the time line."
12.) "I'm my own grandpa" Reference to the goofy song that Doug mentions above. I was also thinking of the Futurama episode as well. I would have accepted either answer. I did not know, however, about the Mark Twain reference. Bonus points for Doug, beating me at my own game.
There you go, folks.
No, no pool. A couple of kids were playing hide and seek and tag in the store and the girl ran into a grand piano and nearly knocked the lid down. Which would have been disastrous for the piano, her hand, and the parents. Honestly, who thinks it's a good idea to let your kids run around in a store filled with expensive instruments?
ReplyDeleteThey might realize it's a bad idea when they have to buy that grand piano when their kids break it. Of course, they'll try to weasel their way out of that.
ReplyDeleteWow, Bryan, what can't you do! Very clever. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI know, right? I scare myself.
ReplyDeleteI like your poem better. You didn't have to steal your inspiration.
ReplyDeleteAnd I had never heard of Van Cossel. Gross doesn't begin to describe it.
Adapting The Raven like that couldn't have been easy, though. It has a rather complicated structure. I liked the story you told with it too.
ReplyDeleteOkay. We are both awesome.
ReplyDeleteYeah, that'll work.
ReplyDeleteGreat poem Bryan! I was going to look up some of the obscure refs, but I see that my procrastinating has lessened my work load once again! Thanks for your visits to my blog as well!
ReplyDeleteYep, the late bird gets to sleep in and lose weight.
ReplyDelete