How Do I Carry All My Wayward Guns?

Having played a number of first person shooters, as well as a variety of top down, side scroll, bottoms up, and inside out and ass backwards, shooters, I've noticed a certain pattern emerging with the weaponry provided by the games.  I'm sure I'm certainly not the first to give an insightful little tour of said weapons, but it's a slow news day, it's raining, and I actually had a dream last night that I was trapped in a first person shooter in some sort of horrible, bloodbath, suicide mode.  So without further ado:

     The Peashooter

This is usually the gun you start the game with, although if you're dealing with particularly sadistic game designers, they might drop you in with nothing but your bare fists and your bloody knuckles.  In such an event, though, you'll usually find the Peashooter at some point during your first five minutes of game play.  It'll be right out in the open, and you'll be all like, "Yes!  Finally, a gun!"  Yeah, don't get too excited there, chief.  The Peashooter is just a single shot weapon, and the bullets are about as effective as a lead spitball.  It makes an ineffectual little *pap* *pap* sound when you fire it, which I think might actually attract your enemies.  Like sharks catching the scent of blood in the water, your enemy's ears perk up when they hear the sound of your lame gun.  Seriously, little kids playing cops & robbers make more menacing sounds when they use their fingers for guns.  Everything about the Peashooter screams for an upgrade, and once you do find a better gun, you're not liable to return to the Peashooter unless the ammo has been depleted in every other weapon you have.

      The Blaster

Ah, and here's that upgrade.  The Blaster is usually a shotgun or rifle of some sort, or else it's some sort of space age equivalent.  It may be masquerading as an "Ionic Pulse Accelerator", but we all know it's a shotgun.  The Blaster's ammunition is far more effective than the Peashooter's.  In fact, the shells or "ionic pulses" are among the most damaging projectiles in the game.  The Blaster has, however, an inevitable downside.  The reload time for the weapon is always ridiculously slow.  First, you have to send away for the shells.  They arrive in the mail in 8 to 10 weeks.  Then you have to run that rod down your barrel, like they did with the old muskets.  At that point, you'll need some time to prepare your own gun powder....Okay, maybe it's not quite that bad, but when you've got a pile of enemies baring down on you, the times between reloads can seem downright geological.  Still, it's a very effective weapon, and the slow reload actually keeps you from expending too much ammunition.  It may not be very useful in group therapy, but you'll find that this is most often your default weapon, your trusted companion as you stalk through the maze-like corridors of the game.

       The Mower

Now we're talking guns.  The mower is usually a machine gun, gattling gun, chain gun, or made-up equivalent thereof.  It puts out serious firepower...and fast.  Per capita, on a bullet by bullet basis, the Mower comes out at a slight disadvantage to the Blaster.  You'll need a couple more shots to take down the enemy.  But the Mower more than makes up for this with its impressive speed.  Reload is not an issue here.  You accidentally brush against the trigger and the gun has rattled off 50 rounds before your brain even has time to relay the message back to your finger to let go.  And this leads to the downside of the Mower.  You'll go through ammunition like water on a hot day.  You stock up, 400 - 500 rounds, however much the game lets you carry, and within 30 seconds of mowing into a pack of enemies, you'll find yourself clicking at nothing but air.  Of course, you'll also be surrounded by fallen bodies, so it's not a complete loss.  Yes, you'll definitely be saving this weapon for crowd control, for those tight spots where you just need to go absolutely psychotic and worry about your ammo supply later.

      

        The Long Ranger

There's one of these in every game.  This is the gun that your mother warned you about.  It's usually some kind of grenade launcher, rocket launcher, or surface to air missile.  It's a powerful weapon, although you could usually reach your distant target faster by Fed Ex, but that isn't the real downside of it.  The Long Ranger is strictly a long range weapon, hence the name I've given it.  If you hit a target within a certain distance of yourself, you'll find that the weapon hurts you as well.  And we're not talking a little hurt here.  Pop one of these things open in your face and you're liable to find yourself three breaths away from an autopsy table.  The can be especially irritating when you accidentally fire into the wall you're standing right in front of, or have an enemy charge you just as you're getting your shot off.  One minute he's across the room, and the next minute he's rushing over to ask you to dance, and you suddenly find that you're going suicide bomber on the both of you.

      The Slugger

This usually comes along at a point in the game when it's almost too late to be effective, but yet when ammo supplies are low enough to make it necessary.  It can be a sword, a chain saw, or a baseball bat with nails sticking out of it.  If you get close enough to an enemy with it, you can seriously ruin their day.  The beauty of it is that you don't need any ammo for it.  The downside is that while the enemy is across the field making new holes in you, you either have to call him over to see the naked pictures of his sister that you've got, or you have to throw caution to the wind, rush headlong into him with your eyes wide, screaming your battle cry at the top of your lungs.  Not something I would suggest doing repeatedly.  Plus, as a bonus, the Slugger is usually right next to the Long Ranger in your inventory, so it's easy to get the two mixed up.  Yeah, good luck with that!

       The Dud

I don't know what this gun's problem is.  Maybe it's related to someone in upper management at the software company.  Maybe it's the brainchild of some idiot savant that sleeps under his desk and spent six months programming the pixel shading on a wall.  The Dud is a weird, useless weapon that arrives at some point late in the game.  It creates sonic bubbles that hurt the enemy's feelings, or it's a leaf blower that sprays a cloud of pizza coupons that eventually make your enemies fat and slow.  It's that one weapon that you usually skip, especially if there's a limit on the amount of guns that you can carry.  You definitely don't want to drop your Mower for a crossbow that shoots arrows tipped with stale marshmallows.  Sometimes, on very rare occasions, you find that you were using the Dud the wrong way, and it's actually a kick ass weapon.  I wouldn't count on it though.

  

       The Phaser

This one more than makes up for the Dud.  It's usually some kind of laser or rail gun, or plasma disruptor.  Whatever they call it, it's some serious high tech stuff.  In games with a more conventional arsenal, the Phaser is the standout.  While the other weapons are based on designs of actual guns and limited by those designs, the Phaser's capabilities are limited by only by the programmers' imaginations.  It usually uses some kind of power cells or energy units, rather than normal ammunition, but the result is basically the same.  It is the one weapon that usually ends up replacing the Blaster as your trusty, default companion.  It sends a real message to your enemies.  "I'm from the future, and I'm here to kill you."

       The Armageddon Gun

This is the last gun you get, and it's the last gun you'll ever need.  It's a real problem-solver.  If this gun took a course in advance calculus, it would get an A by blowing up the classroom and incinerating the teacher.  It is powerful to the point of absurdity, just shy of rendering the game completely pointless from there on out.  It also has extremely limited ammunition, and it doesn't arrive until nearly the last section of the last level of the game.  It would ruin the game if they gave it to you any earlier.  You procure it just in time to have a little fun with it, turn the tables on your unsuspecting enemies, and then you're off to fight the hydra-headed final boss with it.  And as that gargantuan creature tears forth out of a pool of molten lava or a vast ocean of panda bear blood, you look down at your Armageddon Gun, and all that cockiness quickly fades away *gulp*....*pap* *pap*