Nuclearheadache's Guide to Everyday Nutcases (part 2)

Yes, it's that time again.  Time to play America's favorite game show, "Hey! I know a jerk like that."  For those who are just joining us and who want to play along at home, this is where I profile personality disorders that aren't quite clinical, but are definitely enough to be an everyday pain the ass.  So, without further ado:

         Hook Up Man

You run across this sort of person from time to time.  If you find yourself in a situation where you have to deal with such a person on a constant and regular basis, then you have nothing but my deepest sympathy.  This is the guy that's always pushing you for small favors and rule exceptions that really test the boundaries of what you're comfortable with.  His every sentence starts with a hushed and conspiratorial, "Hey man...".  He could be a customer asking you to slip him a little extra something-or-other that you're not supposed to, or he could be a co-worker that wants to slip out the door ten minutes early and he wants you to punch his time card out for him.

Hook-Up Man doesn't really seem too concerned that these requests might get you in trouble, or even cost you your job; if you're cool, you'll do it.  He has a rather bizarre conception of "cool".  His evaluations in these matters seem based entirely on how much you're willing to do what he asked.  On the one hand, it's a cheap manipulation.  He's banking on the fact that your self-esteem is so fragile that you'll jump through hoops just to win his approval.  But on another level he really seems to believe this.  "Cool" people are his partners in crime.  They slip him stuff on the sly, and they help him get away with things.

The really strange encounters with Hook Up Man are the cases where he's a complete stranger, but yet somehow still expects you to put your job on the line to "hook him up."  For instance, you have the customer mentioned above.  He seems incapable of comprehending that you don't know him from Adam, and he means about as much to you as a stain on the wallpaper.  He just doesn't grasp that you don't feel the slightest inclination to put yourself out on his behalf.  The world revolves around Hook Up Man.  The rest of us are mere tools at his disposal.  He just has to grease us up by telling us how "cool" we'll be if we do what he wants.

      Lady Stavrogin

I've named this type after a character in Dostoevsky's novel The Possessed.  For those who have read the book, you might have some idea of the type I'm talking about.  "Imperious" is the word usually used to describe this sort of woman.  She is usually an older woman, strong-willed and self-sufficient, and completely beyond reasonable.  While Hook Up Man's cajoling is merely a pathetic nuisance, Lady Stavrogin has intimidation down to an art form.  Everyone that knows her is a little bit afraid of her, and God help anyone who has the misfortune of incurring her fiery wrath.  She has been known to reduce people to a smoldering pile of ash, simply by furrowing her brows.

She has an uncanny ability to induce people to obsequiousness against their nature and their own better judgment.  The means by which she holds this control over people is somewhat of a mystery.  She projects an air of authority that many hesitate to question.  She looks upon other people with the sort of contempt that one usually reserves for insects.  Everyone around her is a "fool" because they can't fulfill her will fast enough or good enough.  While this would reduce anyone else to an annoying whine about the futility of their own satisfaction, with Lady Stavrogin it is somehow taken for granted that she must be pleased.  The subjects in her court give a few quick bows and strive to do better next time.

Whatever the source of her power, she is definitely well aware of it.  At some point  in her life, she learned that opposing her will over others like a dark seething cloud was the way to get whatever she wanted, and she preceded to hone this ability like a blade.  She wants what she wants, and she wants it NOW!  "How" is for the disposable flotsam around her to worry about.  It's pointless to argue that such-and-such is impossible, or to make excuses.  She doesn't want to hear it.  "Impossible" isn't in her vocabulary.  All she has to do is loom larger and darker, and someone, somehow will get it done.  Approach this type with extreme caution.  She is like a black hole.  Once you fall into her overwhelming field of gravity, there may be no escape.