Well, Rachel Hoyt is at it again with her damn sociology studies. This time she wants to know what animal we'd like to be. I think I'm on to her game now. Some shady Illuminati types have run all the numbers, they've figured out all the scenarios, and they've come to the conclusion that the only way to save the planet is to reverse the evolutionary progress of the human race. It seems that the Earth can no longer support our technological progress, and it just so happens that a Dr. Fictiousname has invented a device that will re-encode our DNA and regress us back to animal form. They'll just call everyone on the phone and tell them that they've won a free carpet shampooing and then they'll show up and zap them with the Devolver Ray. Who's gonna turn down a free carpet cleaning? Rachel's part in this clandestine plan is to collect information. Under the guise of a "study", she'll get everyone to unwittingly declare what kind of animal they want to be turned into when the zappers come.
So, I guess I better give this matter some serious consideration. Let's see...well, I definitely want to be some kind of cat. They're adorable, they don't take any crap from anybody, and they always land on their feet unless you strap a slice of buttered bread to their back, then you risk opening some kind of quantum rift in the fabric of the universe. There's also the possibility that some Schrodinger guy might stick you in box and declare that you're somewhere between life and death. Whatever Doc. Could you at least poke some air holes and drop a can of tuna in here? Still, I think being a cat is a pretty solid choice.
Of course, I wouldn't have to be a little house cat. I could be a big cat like a panther or a lion. If anyone tried to strap buttered bread to me, I could snap their arm off like a twig with my ferocious teeth and then beat them to death with it. I don't really want to be a lion, though. They're the king of jungle, and I really don't feel like being the king of anything. It sounds like too much responsibility. I don't need a bunch of elephants and wart-hogs coming to me to settle their disputes. I would probably eat their faces just to shut them up. I don't think I'd make a very good king.
No, I think I'd rather be a Tiger. They're just as bad-ass as lions, and they don't have all that king stuff to worry about. No one comes to a tiger with their problems. They would just see me over there, sleeping under the tree and they'd know that they'd probably shouldn't mess with me. If anyone was stupid enough to bother me, it would be like having a pizza delivered. I wouldn't even have to leave my tree to find dinner. And I would be serving a valuable purpose. I would be thinning the population of stupid animals. I would be like natural selection with teeth. Plus, I would have those cool stripes.
So there you go Rachel. Make sure to tell the zappers to have the gun set for "tiger" when they show up at my door. It'll be awesome. I can't wait. Free Pizza!
I suspect that I would be a bear or possibly a wolf. Pretty antisocial loner type with a bad disposition. Occasionally runs with small tight knit groups. Not a lot to say most days but when I do say it, you can hear me loud and clear. Oh yeah. Sign me up for one or the other.
ReplyDeleteThanks for my first laugh of the day!
ReplyDeleteI, for one, am glad that you were able to see through her ruse and give us all fair warning.
ReplyDeletePlease inform her to set mine to 'elephant', as I want to be large enough to do pretty much whatever I want, eat and wander around all day, and have no natural predators once man has been completely transformed.
ROTFL!!! Everyone so far has wanted to be a cat and I've been thinking it was pretty funny. You, however, have taken things to a whole new level as usual. :) I hope we get to have a coffee or beer together someday... we can discuss what animals the other folks in the room would become and whether or not they'd be a pizza deliver man. LOL. :)
ReplyDeleteP.S. Your limerick has been immortalized on my Awards of Awesomeness page. :)
ReplyDeleteTiger sounds pretty cool. They have a pretty powerful bite, you know. And those paws are massive. You could totally own the jungle.
ReplyDeleteI think I'd like to be...a cheetah. I'd be the fastest cat in the world. Plus I'd get to roll in the grass.
I almost wanted to be a Great White Shark. But I'm really not a fan of swimming.
@Rev: I think I was going for antisocial loner as well. Bear's might be a little too lonely for me. I like to keep an eye on the action, but yet not be messed with.
ReplyDelete@Cath: Hope it isn't the last laugh of the day as well :)
@Rancher Mom: Also, if you were an elephant, whenever you were in a room, no one would want to talk about you.
@Rachel: Damn, I wanted to be original. Well, if cats are the popular choice it's only because they're so undeniably awesome. (I'll have to check out that page.)
Chanel: List of things I know about tigers: 1.) They have stripes. 2.) They eat things that piss them off. Not exactly a National Geographic level of information, but it's good enough to sell me on the idea. Cheetahs are cool, but I like the stripes better than the spots. Plus, I like that white part around the tiger's chin.
Yeah, I imagine there's a lot of swimming involved in being a shark. In fact, I think they die if they stand still or something. I think.
Tigers get hunted. Your head is liable to end up on someone's mantle, or bits of you ground up for impotency potions.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I would want to give my life so some old man can get his peter hard.
I was going to mention tigers being put into zoos too, which would suck. Remember though, this would be after the Illuminati has transformed all humans back into animals, so there wouldn't be any humans to hunt me. And hasn't Viagra replaced things like "impotency potions", or do people go to the pharmacist and say, "No, no. Don't gives the stuff that works. I want to rely on voodoo magic and superstition to get it up."?
ReplyDeletePlus, I forgot to mention that supposedly tigers have really cool blood that makes them winners.
Some stunning philosophy laid out here. The buttered bread thing sort of makes my head hurt, and "no one comes to a tiger with their problems?" Did not know that ... :p Funny stuff, love it, Bryan!
ReplyDeleteWell, if anyone HAS come to a tiger with their problems, they haven't lived to tell about it :)
ReplyDelete