Nuclearheadache's Guide to Everyday Nutcases (part 2)

Yes, it's that time again.  Time to play America's favorite game show, "Hey! I know a jerk like that."  For those who are just joining us and who want to play along at home, this is where I profile personality disorders that aren't quite clinical, but are definitely enough to be an everyday pain the ass.  So, without further ado:

         Hook Up Man

You run across this sort of person from time to time.  If you find yourself in a situation where you have to deal with such a person on a constant and regular basis, then you have nothing but my deepest sympathy.  This is the guy that's always pushing you for small favors and rule exceptions that really test the boundaries of what you're comfortable with.  His every sentence starts with a hushed and conspiratorial, "Hey man...".  He could be a customer asking you to slip him a little extra something-or-other that you're not supposed to, or he could be a co-worker that wants to slip out the door ten minutes early and he wants you to punch his time card out for him.

Hook-Up Man doesn't really seem too concerned that these requests might get you in trouble, or even cost you your job; if you're cool, you'll do it.  He has a rather bizarre conception of "cool".  His evaluations in these matters seem based entirely on how much you're willing to do what he asked.  On the one hand, it's a cheap manipulation.  He's banking on the fact that your self-esteem is so fragile that you'll jump through hoops just to win his approval.  But on another level he really seems to believe this.  "Cool" people are his partners in crime.  They slip him stuff on the sly, and they help him get away with things.

The really strange encounters with Hook Up Man are the cases where he's a complete stranger, but yet somehow still expects you to put your job on the line to "hook him up."  For instance, you have the customer mentioned above.  He seems incapable of comprehending that you don't know him from Adam, and he means about as much to you as a stain on the wallpaper.  He just doesn't grasp that you don't feel the slightest inclination to put yourself out on his behalf.  The world revolves around Hook Up Man.  The rest of us are mere tools at his disposal.  He just has to grease us up by telling us how "cool" we'll be if we do what he wants.

      Lady Stavrogin

I've named this type after a character in Dostoevsky's novel The Possessed.  For those who have read the book, you might have some idea of the type I'm talking about.  "Imperious" is the word usually used to describe this sort of woman.  She is usually an older woman, strong-willed and self-sufficient, and completely beyond reasonable.  While Hook Up Man's cajoling is merely a pathetic nuisance, Lady Stavrogin has intimidation down to an art form.  Everyone that knows her is a little bit afraid of her, and God help anyone who has the misfortune of incurring her fiery wrath.  She has been known to reduce people to a smoldering pile of ash, simply by furrowing her brows.

She has an uncanny ability to induce people to obsequiousness against their nature and their own better judgment.  The means by which she holds this control over people is somewhat of a mystery.  She projects an air of authority that many hesitate to question.  She looks upon other people with the sort of contempt that one usually reserves for insects.  Everyone around her is a "fool" because they can't fulfill her will fast enough or good enough.  While this would reduce anyone else to an annoying whine about the futility of their own satisfaction, with Lady Stavrogin it is somehow taken for granted that she must be pleased.  The subjects in her court give a few quick bows and strive to do better next time.

Whatever the source of her power, she is definitely well aware of it.  At some point  in her life, she learned that opposing her will over others like a dark seething cloud was the way to get whatever she wanted, and she preceded to hone this ability like a blade.  She wants what she wants, and she wants it NOW!  "How" is for the disposable flotsam around her to worry about.  It's pointless to argue that such-and-such is impossible, or to make excuses.  She doesn't want to hear it.  "Impossible" isn't in her vocabulary.  All she has to do is loom larger and darker, and someone, somehow will get it done.  Approach this type with extreme caution.  She is like a black hole.  Once you fall into her overwhelming field of gravity, there may be no escape.

Nuclearheadache's Guide to Everyday Nutcases (part 1)

The DSM-IV does a fine job of describing genuine mental illnesses, but what about the rest of the lunatics out there?  You know who I'm talking about. You run across them whenever you step out your front door, these other people.  Every last one of them is completely, hopelessly out of their minds.  Next month will mark my 35th trip around the sun, and I've yet to meet one of these so-called "normal" people, not even in the mirror.  This handy guide is for and about everybody else out there.  Not those in the padded rooms, or the people that get a pass because everybody knows they're a little off.  I'm talking about people that are still "Okay" enough to hold down jobs.

          Miss Migraine

You probably know someone like this.  Most likely you call them a hypochondriac.  Ironically, it's just this sort of casual, amateur, exaggerated diagnosis that's at the root of Miss Migraine's problems.  You see, she isn't technically a hypochondriac, at least not in the clinical sense.  In fact, she isn't really anything in the clinical sense.  But if you spend any amount of time around her, you'll learn that she has a growing list of ailments and disorders longer than your arm.  All self diagnosed, of course.  Miss Migraine rarely takes any of these fantasy conditions seriously enough to actually go see a doctor about them.  She mostly just likes to throw dire medical terms around and complain to you about her problems on her lunch break.

Although it might all come across as an obvious ploy for sympathy, Miss Migraine's biggest problem is actually her own stunning lack of empathy.  The rest of the world's problems are flat and inconsequential to her.  It's all just a lot of whining and noise, lacking any real dimension, until something happens to her.  Her pain is always a much bigger deal than yours, and she has to describe it in the appropriate terms so that you'll understand that.  No one else has ever had the kind of problems she has.  Last week, when you briefly mentioned hurting your back, that just got on her nerves.  Suck it up, and get over it!  Then she goes and hurts her back.  Whoa!  Now this is serious!  This feels way worse than what you were talking about.  My God, she must have slipped a disc.  Oh no!

The classic example is the migraine headache.  For every one person who actually suffers from these debilitating afflictions, there are nine others who casually refer to every headache they have as a "migraine."  Not because they're experiencing any of the symptoms of the condition.  It's just because calling it a "headache" just isn't good enough.  They have to make sure you know that they have a worse headache than you could ever dream of having.  They have the worst headache in the history of headaches.  To that I say, "You've got a migraine headache, huh?  Well, I've got a nuclear headache.  Top that!!"

           The Cynic

This is a person who casts anything that anyone anywhere does in the worst possible light.  Their lack of faith in humanity is bottomless.  If you give five dollars to a homeless person, you're just trying to feel better about yourself, or even more likely, you're probably buying drugs off of them.  If you don't give five dollars to a homeless person, you're a greedy, heartless jerk.  If you try to do a good job, you're a suck up.  If you do a bad job, you just suck.  There's just no winning with The Cynic.  They're like a human slot machine that comes up "asshole" every time.

Of course, this rigged game is exactly what The Cynic is looking for.  It reinforces their negative image of people.  It's a vicious circle.  Their negative image makes them see the worst in people, and then what they see proves to them how horrible people are.  But why are they so determined to see people this way?  Where does this circle start?  Did a lifetime of disappointment and discouragement turn them into this bitter, hostile husk of a person?  What kind of satisfaction are they getting out of this?

Well, first there's the simple pleasure of sitting in judgment on people.  There's nothing like really digging around in someone else's faults.  It can provide hours of enjoyment and conversational subject matter.  The only thing better than slowing down to see a gruesome car accident is knowing that the guy who caused it was drunk and had a baby in the car at the time.  While we all may be guilty of being fascinated by this sort of thing from time to time, The Cynic thrives on it.  And their rigged outlook provides them with an endless source of material.  Secondly, it makes them feels better about themselves.  If you're a piece of garbage any way you slice it, then there's no chance of you looking like a better person than them.  Hell, "better person", no such thing.  People are hopelessly rotten, so it's pointless to even try to do anything good.  Get the idea?  It's hard to even talk about The Cynic without being dragged down into their bitterness yourself.    

To be continued...