Nuclearheadache's Guide to Everyday Nutcases (part 1)

The DSM-IV does a fine job of describing genuine mental illnesses, but what about the rest of the lunatics out there?  You know who I'm talking about. You run across them whenever you step out your front door, these other people.  Every last one of them is completely, hopelessly out of their minds.  Next month will mark my 35th trip around the sun, and I've yet to meet one of these so-called "normal" people, not even in the mirror.  This handy guide is for and about everybody else out there.  Not those in the padded rooms, or the people that get a pass because everybody knows they're a little off.  I'm talking about people that are still "Okay" enough to hold down jobs.

          Miss Migraine

You probably know someone like this.  Most likely you call them a hypochondriac.  Ironically, it's just this sort of casual, amateur, exaggerated diagnosis that's at the root of Miss Migraine's problems.  You see, she isn't technically a hypochondriac, at least not in the clinical sense.  In fact, she isn't really anything in the clinical sense.  But if you spend any amount of time around her, you'll learn that she has a growing list of ailments and disorders longer than your arm.  All self diagnosed, of course.  Miss Migraine rarely takes any of these fantasy conditions seriously enough to actually go see a doctor about them.  She mostly just likes to throw dire medical terms around and complain to you about her problems on her lunch break.

Although it might all come across as an obvious ploy for sympathy, Miss Migraine's biggest problem is actually her own stunning lack of empathy.  The rest of the world's problems are flat and inconsequential to her.  It's all just a lot of whining and noise, lacking any real dimension, until something happens to her.  Her pain is always a much bigger deal than yours, and she has to describe it in the appropriate terms so that you'll understand that.  No one else has ever had the kind of problems she has.  Last week, when you briefly mentioned hurting your back, that just got on her nerves.  Suck it up, and get over it!  Then she goes and hurts her back.  Whoa!  Now this is serious!  This feels way worse than what you were talking about.  My God, she must have slipped a disc.  Oh no!

The classic example is the migraine headache.  For every one person who actually suffers from these debilitating afflictions, there are nine others who casually refer to every headache they have as a "migraine."  Not because they're experiencing any of the symptoms of the condition.  It's just because calling it a "headache" just isn't good enough.  They have to make sure you know that they have a worse headache than you could ever dream of having.  They have the worst headache in the history of headaches.  To that I say, "You've got a migraine headache, huh?  Well, I've got a nuclear headache.  Top that!!"

           The Cynic

This is a person who casts anything that anyone anywhere does in the worst possible light.  Their lack of faith in humanity is bottomless.  If you give five dollars to a homeless person, you're just trying to feel better about yourself, or even more likely, you're probably buying drugs off of them.  If you don't give five dollars to a homeless person, you're a greedy, heartless jerk.  If you try to do a good job, you're a suck up.  If you do a bad job, you just suck.  There's just no winning with The Cynic.  They're like a human slot machine that comes up "asshole" every time.

Of course, this rigged game is exactly what The Cynic is looking for.  It reinforces their negative image of people.  It's a vicious circle.  Their negative image makes them see the worst in people, and then what they see proves to them how horrible people are.  But why are they so determined to see people this way?  Where does this circle start?  Did a lifetime of disappointment and discouragement turn them into this bitter, hostile husk of a person?  What kind of satisfaction are they getting out of this?

Well, first there's the simple pleasure of sitting in judgment on people.  There's nothing like really digging around in someone else's faults.  It can provide hours of enjoyment and conversational subject matter.  The only thing better than slowing down to see a gruesome car accident is knowing that the guy who caused it was drunk and had a baby in the car at the time.  While we all may be guilty of being fascinated by this sort of thing from time to time, The Cynic thrives on it.  And their rigged outlook provides them with an endless source of material.  Secondly, it makes them feels better about themselves.  If you're a piece of garbage any way you slice it, then there's no chance of you looking like a better person than them.  Hell, "better person", no such thing.  People are hopelessly rotten, so it's pointless to even try to do anything good.  Get the idea?  It's hard to even talk about The Cynic without being dragged down into their bitterness yourself.    

To be continued...