Saturday, December 4, 2010

If I Were in the Fortune Cookie Game

I love Chinese food.  At least, I love the heavily Americanized version that they serve at the buffets around here, which probably bares as close a resemblance to the genuine thing as a cheeseburger does to a chandelier.  Still, I love all those little spicy pieces of chicken served in all kinds of different sweet sauces.  After I've helped myself to my third or forth heaping plate, the server usually shows up with a bill, along with a fortune cookie for each person at the table.  I'm not a huge fan of the actual cookie.  It pretty much tastes like a piece of cardboard covered in envelope glue.  But I do find the fortunes entertaining.  I have noticed though, that as frequently as I dine at these buffets and as frequently as I open these cookies, I have never once gotten a duplicate fortune.  Not that that's too incredible.  There are probably thousands upon thousands of fortunes out there.  Still, it would have to be a possibility if some measure wasn't taken to prevent it.    

And prevent it they must.  If someone were to recieve a duplicate fortune even once, it would destroy the entire mystique of the fortune cookie.  So how do they do it?  Even though there are thousands of fortunes, it's highly unlikely that they print a unique fortune for each and every cookie.  They must print thousands, possibily millions of copies of each fortune, depending on the size of the cookie operation in question.  Even given the odds involved in an entirely random distribution, sooner or later someone would be bound to get the same fortune.  There would have to be a system.   

I suppose I could have asked someone at the restaurant, but I probably would have gotten nothing but blank stares in return.  It possible that it never even crossed the minds of the people back at the fortune cookie home office that any of this could even be an issue.  They probably just print the fortunes, box them up, ship them out, and take their chances.  Still, I took some time out of my busy, busy schedule to solve this crucial problem, and I offer my solution to any fortune cookie entrepeneurs out there, free of charge.  I know.  I know.  No need to thank me.  I'm more than happy to help.    

Ok, so here's how it would work: Let's say that you have 500,000 unique fortunes.  You take these fortunes and split them up into 50 sets of 10,000 and you number and box each set seperately.  No set contains a duplicate fortune and each set contains fortunes completely different from the other sets, but each particular set contains the same ten thousand fortunes.  Then, the restaurants on your client list would have to keep track of which sets they've already ordered.  Maybe they'd have a sheet or something and they'd cross off the sets they've already ordered, making sure not to re-order the same set.  This way any one particular restaurant would never get a duplicate fortune until they had gone through the entire series of 500,000 and yet the fortune cookie company could still print millions of copies of each fortune.  If you really wanted to play it safe, you could issue a new series of 500,000 every year, as long as your warehouse Confusius can keep up with that kind of output.   

Of course, there's always the possibility that the customer could go to a different restaurant  currently working from the same set, but hey...nothing's perfect, and the odds would still be greatly dimished.  With no system, with just a completely random distribution, the odds would be 1 in 500,000 that a repeat customer would get a duplicate fortune and that number would divide in half with each return visit.  Sooner or later it would happen, and the customer's faith in those magical cookies would be tragically crushed forever.  

Maybe there's already a system like this, and I've wasted my valuable time reinventing it.  More likely, no one cares.  But hey, if you're going to hide pithy little notes inside of cookies in the hopes of having people believe that they're a personal message meant only for them, then you've got to put some effort in maintaining the illusion.  Anyway, it's none of my concern.  I just came for the spicy chicken.                      

12 comments:

  1. True story.
    My wife and I were chowing (HA-HA)down at a local chinese dig at a mall, outside Philadelphia a few years back and the server gave us both a slightly moistened fortune cookie.
    I looked at her and she looked back at me with a face that said, "You first." because my first thought was someone obviously pissed on my fortune. I opened the cellophane bag and took out my cookie. It was similar in texture to that of a christ wafer you get at church, after drinking the cerimonial blood. Tore it in two and took out the soiled fortune. The lettering was of course bleeding, but I was still able to just make out the wisdom and the lucky numbers. It said. "Catch on fire with enthusiasm and people will come for miles to watch you burn!"
    I had a hanker to douse myself in gasoline and set fire to myself in a parking lot...I've no idea why.

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  2. So you never found out why the cookie was wet?

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  3. I was afraid to know the answer. I am spooked enough about what goes on in chinese kitchens. It was safe to just leave the cookie be and buy a gas can instead.

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  4. Atypical- maybe you should have left a better tip the first time.

    Nuc- I suspect that you are overthinking the process. It's probably just luck that you never got a duplicate.

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  5. Has anyone else noticed the fortunes as of late haven't really been fortunes but quirky sayings like "laugh often, smile a lot"? Instead of "In the future you will be surrounded by happiness and power." I dunno, it just seems to me, all the fortune cookies my friends and I have been getting don't really seem fortunate.

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  6. Yes, I have noticed that. I was always under the impression that they were supposed to be some kind of prediction. You know, "beware the ides of March" kind of thing. Instead they're just little wise sayings. Maybe they've always been that way, and I was just mistaken. I don't know.

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  7. You crack me up! Your profile description in on the money. You are the Sienfeld of the blog world. This could have been an episode for sure.

    I must admit I have a fortune cookie story. I always open them and pull out the message and give the cookies to the dogs.

    About a year or so ago while doing this I dropped the cookie and one of my dogs scooped it up before I could read the message. My draw dropped and I said "Oh no he didn't" as I pried his mouth open to retrieve my fortune. It was soaking with dog drool and read "God will give you everything you want"

    In all my years of eating Chinese food I have never seen God mentioned anywhere? So I let it dry out and saved it. I play the numbers on the back of the fortune every week... LOL

    My half Asian husband said "what is God doing in a communist fortune cookie?" I said "I told you God is every where!" : ) My hubby is an atheist?

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  8. Did you know that if a dog swallows a fortune, they're actually able to talk for five minutes? It's like when a person sucks on helium and their voice sounds weird. It's a little known scientific fact that I just made up.

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  9. LOL...Well thank God I got it before he swallowed it because if my dog could talk we would all be in trouble! Especially my husband!!! I added you to my page. I hope that is ok?

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  10. Sure it's okay. It's great! Thanks.

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  11. Hey Bryan,
    I'll play Devil's advocate here: If your fortune is supposed to be something that is supposed to happen to you in the future and it hasn't happened yet, maybe you SHOULD get a duplicate fortune in your next cookie! Hmmmm....

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  12. You mean like:

    "Fortune will smile upon you."

    You come back next week:

    "Seriously, good things are going to happen."

    The following week:

    "Really, this time I predict a bright future ahead. I promise this time."

    The week after that:

    "Okay. Now, I know you're getting discouraged, but I really, really, really think this could be the week that turns it all around."

    The next week:

    "Oh forget it, your life sucks."

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