Well, Rachel Hoyt is at it again with her damn sociology studies. This time she wants to know what animal we'd like to be. I think I'm on to her game now. Some shady Illuminati types have run all the numbers, they've figured out all the scenarios, and they've come to the conclusion that the only way to save the planet is to reverse the evolutionary progress of the human race. It seems that the Earth can no longer support our technological progress, and it just so happens that a Dr. Fictiousname has invented a device that will re-encode our DNA and regress us back to animal form. They'll just call everyone on the phone and tell them that they've won a free carpet shampooing and then they'll show up and zap them with the Devolver Ray. Who's gonna turn down a free carpet cleaning? Rachel's part in this clandestine plan is to collect information. Under the guise of a "study", she'll get everyone to unwittingly declare what kind of animal they want to be turned into when the zappers come.
So, I guess I better give this matter some serious consideration. Let's see...well, I definitely want to be some kind of cat. They're adorable, they don't take any crap from anybody, and they always land on their feet unless you strap a slice of buttered bread to their back, then you risk opening some kind of quantum rift in the fabric of the universe. There's also the possibility that some Schrodinger guy might stick you in box and declare that you're somewhere between life and death. Whatever Doc. Could you at least poke some air holes and drop a can of tuna in here? Still, I think being a cat is a pretty solid choice.
Of course, I wouldn't have to be a little house cat. I could be a big cat like a panther or a lion. If anyone tried to strap buttered bread to me, I could snap their arm off like a twig with my ferocious teeth and then beat them to death with it. I don't really want to be a lion, though. They're the king of jungle, and I really don't feel like being the king of anything. It sounds like too much responsibility. I don't need a bunch of elephants and wart-hogs coming to me to settle their disputes. I would probably eat their faces just to shut them up. I don't think I'd make a very good king.
No, I think I'd rather be a Tiger. They're just as bad-ass as lions, and they don't have all that king stuff to worry about. No one comes to a tiger with their problems. They would just see me over there, sleeping under the tree and they'd know that they'd probably shouldn't mess with me. If anyone was stupid enough to bother me, it would be like having a pizza delivered. I wouldn't even have to leave my tree to find dinner. And I would be serving a valuable purpose. I would be thinning the population of stupid animals. I would be like natural selection with teeth. Plus, I would have those cool stripes.
So there you go Rachel. Make sure to tell the zappers to have the gun set for "tiger" when they show up at my door. It'll be awesome. I can't wait. Free Pizza!
