Deer Jerky is Delicious

From the looks of it, it appears that every Monday morning someone shows up at my work with Sunday's paper, and then they proceed to have an epileptic fit which involves throwing the sales flyers around in all directions.  Every Monday night, we find the aftermath of this episode scattered all over the break room, and we all sit around thumbing through these flyers and having fairly insipid conversations about them until someone has the good sense to finally gather the whole mess up and throw it in the garbage.

This past Monday I came across a flyer for a sporting goods store which featured deals on several different hunting rifles, and I was struck by the fact that Deer Season is here again.  Even for a vegetative, indoorsy person like myself this fact is inescapable at this time of year in Northeast Ohio.  Plus, given the random proliferation of hunting magazines that pop up all over the shop, I'm guessing someone around there really has it in for the deer.  So I was looking through this flyer, and I made the off-handed remark that the way rednecks act about hunting always strikes me as "borderline psychotic", which I admit is a fairly exaggerated statement, and probably grossly unfair.  But then this woman that I work with that was there in the break room replied that it was "nature", which would have been the stupidest argument that I've ever heard for hunting, if she hadn't followed it up moments later with the notion that it's a "sport."

For the record, I eat meat.  I eat a lot of meat.  Three of my four basic food groups are meat, and the fourth one is whatever kind of animal fat that is that they deep fry Hostess Fruit Pies in.  So, I'm obviously in no position to get a holier-that-thou attitude about killing animals.  Any animal that sees me coming with a fork would be well advised to run the other way.  Also, I'm not so blinded by liberal outrage that I can't understand that hunting was once a necessity of human survival.  Food wasn't always neatly packed on Styrofoam trays, shrink-wrapped in plastic, and placed on display in the local supermarket.  You either grew it or hunted it, and there was even a time when the cultivation needed to grow food was beyond the range of humanity's mental horizons and the comfort of their living conditions.  There was a time when hunting was the only way to survive.

I suppose that an argument could even be made that hunting in the modern age is a way of passing a vital tradition down from generation to generation, a way of preserving a skill that could be needed if civilization ever collapsed and we were driven back to stalking the woods for our food.  I can see that.  There's something to be said for not surrendering completely to the comforts of a technological society, for keeping the gun loaded and the eye steady should the wolf reappear at the door.  I can almost even understand the mystical reverence that people like Ted Nugent have for the practice...almost.

However, I don't think that throwing the word "nature" at the subject is a valid argument.  What's natural about laser powered scopes and night vision goggles?  Is the fact that you're going out to the woods with your gear make the activity an inherent part of nature?  Is it natural because animals hunt one another?  Is it natural because our ancestors hunted?  Declaring that something is "nature" seems like a vast cop-out, as though it's something beyond argument or morality, something we're driven to do by our lower reptilian brain and our baser instincts.  Sorry, I don't buy that.  Civilization means, at the very least, an attempt to rise above these things, to curb these primitive impulses.  If we're going to start throwing out "nature" as an excuse for our actions we might as well strip down now and abandon the cities and return to the trees.

Arguing that it's a "sport" is an even bigger cop-out.  How does calling something a "sport" magically supersede the moral issues involved?  What exactly qualifies it as a "sport"?  I suppose the tracking requires a certain amount of skill that could be classified as sportsmanship, but other than that it's basically just picking up a gun and killing a defenseless animal.  It's a bizarre sport where the other team isn't aware that they're even playing, they never asked to play, they were never asked if the wanted to play, and their only notification that the game was on was a bullet between the eyes.  They don't even get endorsement deals!  Seriously though, even if an argument can be made that it is a sport, then it still seems to me like a lame point to raise against ethical objections.  "Well, it's a sport!", comes off pretty weak.

So, I can understand the idea of keeping the skills sharp, and I have no room to object to the idea of killing animals and eating the meat.  It's hard to argue that point with a roast beef sandwich in each hand.  I guess it all comes down to a sense that for some of these people it isn't about survival, or tradition, or even food.  For some of them it comes off as simply a twisted need to go out and kill something.  Still others seem to do it for some kind of masculine validation.  Either of these seem like pretty dickish reasons to go out and shoot an animal that was minding its own business.  At least, that's my opinion.                          

How Do I Carry All My Wayward Guns?

Having played a number of first person shooters, as well as a variety of top down, side scroll, bottoms up, and inside out and ass backwards, shooters, I've noticed a certain pattern emerging with the weaponry provided by the games.  I'm sure I'm certainly not the first to give an insightful little tour of said weapons, but it's a slow news day, it's raining, and I actually had a dream last night that I was trapped in a first person shooter in some sort of horrible, bloodbath, suicide mode.  So without further ado:

     The Peashooter

This is usually the gun you start the game with, although if you're dealing with particularly sadistic game designers, they might drop you in with nothing but your bare fists and your bloody knuckles.  In such an event, though, you'll usually find the Peashooter at some point during your first five minutes of game play.  It'll be right out in the open, and you'll be all like, "Yes!  Finally, a gun!"  Yeah, don't get too excited there, chief.  The Peashooter is just a single shot weapon, and the bullets are about as effective as a lead spitball.  It makes an ineffectual little *pap* *pap* sound when you fire it, which I think might actually attract your enemies.  Like sharks catching the scent of blood in the water, your enemy's ears perk up when they hear the sound of your lame gun.  Seriously, little kids playing cops & robbers make more menacing sounds when they use their fingers for guns.  Everything about the Peashooter screams for an upgrade, and once you do find a better gun, you're not liable to return to the Peashooter unless the ammo has been depleted in every other weapon you have.

      The Blaster

Ah, and here's that upgrade.  The Blaster is usually a shotgun or rifle of some sort, or else it's some sort of space age equivalent.  It may be masquerading as an "Ionic Pulse Accelerator", but we all know it's a shotgun.  The Blaster's ammunition is far more effective than the Peashooter's.  In fact, the shells or "ionic pulses" are among the most damaging projectiles in the game.  The Blaster has, however, an inevitable downside.  The reload time for the weapon is always ridiculously slow.  First, you have to send away for the shells.  They arrive in the mail in 8 to 10 weeks.  Then you have to run that rod down your barrel, like they did with the old muskets.  At that point, you'll need some time to prepare your own gun powder....Okay, maybe it's not quite that bad, but when you've got a pile of enemies baring down on you, the times between reloads can seem downright geological.  Still, it's a very effective weapon, and the slow reload actually keeps you from expending too much ammunition.  It may not be very useful in group therapy, but you'll find that this is most often your default weapon, your trusted companion as you stalk through the maze-like corridors of the game.

       The Mower

Now we're talking guns.  The mower is usually a machine gun, gattling gun, chain gun, or made-up equivalent thereof.  It puts out serious firepower...and fast.  Per capita, on a bullet by bullet basis, the Mower comes out at a slight disadvantage to the Blaster.  You'll need a couple more shots to take down the enemy.  But the Mower more than makes up for this with its impressive speed.  Reload is not an issue here.  You accidentally brush against the trigger and the gun has rattled off 50 rounds before your brain even has time to relay the message back to your finger to let go.  And this leads to the downside of the Mower.  You'll go through ammunition like water on a hot day.  You stock up, 400 - 500 rounds, however much the game lets you carry, and within 30 seconds of mowing into a pack of enemies, you'll find yourself clicking at nothing but air.  Of course, you'll also be surrounded by fallen bodies, so it's not a complete loss.  Yes, you'll definitely be saving this weapon for crowd control, for those tight spots where you just need to go absolutely psychotic and worry about your ammo supply later.

      

        The Long Ranger

There's one of these in every game.  This is the gun that your mother warned you about.  It's usually some kind of grenade launcher, rocket launcher, or surface to air missile.  It's a powerful weapon, although you could usually reach your distant target faster by Fed Ex, but that isn't the real downside of it.  The Long Ranger is strictly a long range weapon, hence the name I've given it.  If you hit a target within a certain distance of yourself, you'll find that the weapon hurts you as well.  And we're not talking a little hurt here.  Pop one of these things open in your face and you're liable to find yourself three breaths away from an autopsy table.  The can be especially irritating when you accidentally fire into the wall you're standing right in front of, or have an enemy charge you just as you're getting your shot off.  One minute he's across the room, and the next minute he's rushing over to ask you to dance, and you suddenly find that you're going suicide bomber on the both of you.

      The Slugger

This usually comes along at a point in the game when it's almost too late to be effective, but yet when ammo supplies are low enough to make it necessary.  It can be a sword, a chain saw, or a baseball bat with nails sticking out of it.  If you get close enough to an enemy with it, you can seriously ruin their day.  The beauty of it is that you don't need any ammo for it.  The downside is that while the enemy is across the field making new holes in you, you either have to call him over to see the naked pictures of his sister that you've got, or you have to throw caution to the wind, rush headlong into him with your eyes wide, screaming your battle cry at the top of your lungs.  Not something I would suggest doing repeatedly.  Plus, as a bonus, the Slugger is usually right next to the Long Ranger in your inventory, so it's easy to get the two mixed up.  Yeah, good luck with that!

       The Dud

I don't know what this gun's problem is.  Maybe it's related to someone in upper management at the software company.  Maybe it's the brainchild of some idiot savant that sleeps under his desk and spent six months programming the pixel shading on a wall.  The Dud is a weird, useless weapon that arrives at some point late in the game.  It creates sonic bubbles that hurt the enemy's feelings, or it's a leaf blower that sprays a cloud of pizza coupons that eventually make your enemies fat and slow.  It's that one weapon that you usually skip, especially if there's a limit on the amount of guns that you can carry.  You definitely don't want to drop your Mower for a crossbow that shoots arrows tipped with stale marshmallows.  Sometimes, on very rare occasions, you find that you were using the Dud the wrong way, and it's actually a kick ass weapon.  I wouldn't count on it though.

  

       The Phaser

This one more than makes up for the Dud.  It's usually some kind of laser or rail gun, or plasma disruptor.  Whatever they call it, it's some serious high tech stuff.  In games with a more conventional arsenal, the Phaser is the standout.  While the other weapons are based on designs of actual guns and limited by those designs, the Phaser's capabilities are limited by only by the programmers' imaginations.  It usually uses some kind of power cells or energy units, rather than normal ammunition, but the result is basically the same.  It is the one weapon that usually ends up replacing the Blaster as your trusty, default companion.  It sends a real message to your enemies.  "I'm from the future, and I'm here to kill you."

       The Armageddon Gun

This is the last gun you get, and it's the last gun you'll ever need.  It's a real problem-solver.  If this gun took a course in advance calculus, it would get an A by blowing up the classroom and incinerating the teacher.  It is powerful to the point of absurdity, just shy of rendering the game completely pointless from there on out.  It also has extremely limited ammunition, and it doesn't arrive until nearly the last section of the last level of the game.  It would ruin the game if they gave it to you any earlier.  You procure it just in time to have a little fun with it, turn the tables on your unsuspecting enemies, and then you're off to fight the hydra-headed final boss with it.  And as that gargantuan creature tears forth out of a pool of molten lava or a vast ocean of panda bear blood, you look down at your Armageddon Gun, and all that cockiness quickly fades away *gulp*....*pap* *pap*