Computer Riddle

You like riddles, right?  Sure, we all do.  Well, I bring you one today that's an old favorite of mine.  Whoever gets the right answer can consider themselves the proud owner of The Fountain of Useless Knowledge Award.  The last time I offered this award it was such a rousing success that I figured I'd drag it out again.  Luckily, this time you don't need to go scouring the internet for answers (in fact, you better not.)  All you need to do is get some of those rusty cogs and gears working in you brain.  So, clear out the cobwebs and see if you can't figure this out.

Okay, so you're trapped in a room for some reason.  There are two doors through which you can exit this room.  One door leads to freedom, the other door leads to a certain, horrifying death that probably involves several sharp, rotating blades.  The doors are marked, "Door A" and "Door B", but unfortunately you have no idea which one leads to freedom and which one to death.  However, there are two computers in the room with you that you can turn to for helpful information.  These computers are marked "Computer 1" and "Computer 2", and they will answer any question you have, but you can only ask one question.  And there's a catch.  One of the computers always tells the truth without fail, and the other one always lies without fail, and again, you don't know which is which.  So how can you use your one question to lead you to freedom?

One of these men is a liar.

As before, I'll hold off on posting the comments, and I'll wait a few days before posting the answer in the comments myself if no one gets it.  I'll give it, say, to the end of the month.  Enjoy!

Versatile Blog Awards

The other day I got the "Versatile Blogger Award" from Chanel, via Candice, who I think deserves an honorable mention in her own right.  So, there I was with this award, which comes with all kinds of rules which I'm just going to flat out ignore, and I got to wondering, "What's so versatile about it?"  In fact, I'm not sure what any of these awards are supposed to do except sit over my sidebar as a concentrated testimony to my undeniable greatness.  Doesn't sound very versatile to me.  So, I set out to fix this sad state of affairs and come up with some really versatile uses for these awards.

1. The "Life is Good Award", which I got from Donna, can be used as a handy camouflaged kite on a nice spring day.  You can fool people into thinking that there's a rainbow in the sky.  Then they'll take pictures of them and post them on Facebook as if anyone cares.

2. The "Atypical Dollar...um"  Okay, so this one isn't really an award.  It was a button, but Scott vaguely suggested that he might make it an award.  Well, good enough for me.  With the awards it goes.  Anyhow, I figure that you could print out tons of these and take them to your seedier strip clubs.

Washed-Up Stripper: A whole dollar!?  For me!?

You: Yeah, you totally...uh, deserve it I guess.  Just don't, like, flip it over or anything.

Washed-Up Stripped: Why does it have a transparent "N" on it?

You: I gotta go.

3. The "Your Blog Doesn't Suck Award" from Doug clearly belongs over the fireplace mantle.  Time to take down that Picasso and put up a real work of art.

4. The "I Pity the Fool that Don't Read Your Blog Award" from Asha has limited applications, but it can be made into a real cool Mr. T-Shirt if you ever find your self caught in a time warp and sent back to 1983.  People might start asking what a "blog" is.  That's when you spray them with your future mace.

5. The "LOL Award" from Rachel via Lolamouse is great for bait in a mouse trap.  Forget that pesky old cheese.  Lure the mice in with something they really crave.  You know what I'm saying?

6. The "Stylish Blogger Award" from Chanel would make a fine looking hat.  Sure, people might look at you funny, but it says "stylish" right on it.  How much more classy can you get?

7. The "Your Worth a Million Bucks Award" from Rachel is perfect as a band-aid decal.  Now, instead of a mere field dressing for minor scrapes and wounds, it'll be like you're putting a million dollar price tag on your child when they come to you in tears.  It's great for their self-esteem and it declares your asking price if you ever decide to put the kid on Ebay.

So, there you go.  As far the Versatile Blogger Award itself, I'm thinking that maybe I'll print up thousands of them on napkins, since napkins are about as versatile as it gets.  You can wipe up anything with them.  Am I right?      

If I Had a Time Machine

If I had a time machine,

made from a stellar implosion and a quantum string,

I'd travel back to ancient Rome,

where I must have dropped the first cell phone.

I'd visit the future once or twice.

I'd invent the Antikythera device.

The Voynich Manuscript, that was also me.

It's actually a chicken recipe.

I'd have all of history at my disposal,

from Alexander the Great to Karl von Cosel.

First, I'd take a few snapshots of the dinosaurs,

then I'd pelt Issac Newton with some apple cores.

Drop in on Hemingway to shoot the breeze,

but I'd pass on that drink with Socrates.
I could wait in Roswell for the aliens to land,
or learn the identity of The Somerton Man.

Killing Hitler, you'd think I'd have that one nailed,

but Operation Valkyrie has already failed.

This time travel stuff is a little confusing.

Cause and effect, nuclear headache inducing.

It could all turn out I'm my own great grand pa,

but then how did I get here after all?

Well, at least I'd be here and able to dream,

if I had a time machine.    

 I suppose I could have hyperlinked some of the obscure references here, but I didn't want the whole thing to be a minefield of blue words.  So, instead, I figured that I'd make it like a scavenger hunt and turn this into a contest.  I figure that there are about...oh, a dozen or so different references, some familiar, some obscure.  The first person to find at least five of them and post descriptions of each in a comment below will be the first recipient of the soon-to-be-coveted "Fountain of Useless Knowledge Award"  Feel free to use Google or Wikipedia, or whatever.  Consider it an open book test.  If more than one person submits the answers before I get around to approving the comments, I have no problem giving out multiple awards.  I have an infinite pile of these things.

(This post is also available in extra cheesy version and chaos flavor.)

Possible Methods

You'll remember that at the beginning of the month I posted all the titles for all the posts I would be writing this month.  You may be wondering how this was possible.  Well, there's a funny and completely fabricated story behind that.  What I'm about to tell you may be a little shocking.  You see, I've invented a machine that allows me to have very brief glimpses of the future.  I made it out of a wooden board and some parts from an old lamp that I found in the spare room.  It works like this: the wires are mounted on the wooden board, stripped at the ends, and placed about a foot and a half apart.  Then the cord is plugged into the wall socket.  Normally, the wires would be too far apart for the electrical charge to cover the distance between the wires.  That's where the magnet comes in.  It's mounted to the board between the wires.  It spins at a variable speed, creating a magnetic field that allows that electrical circuit to be completed.  The speed that the magnet spins is controlled by a dial on the control pad.  So what powers the spinning magnet?  That's the interesting part.  It's powered by the electricity traveling between the wires.  You see, the spinning magnet allows the electrical circuit to complete and the completed circuit powers the spinning magnet.  This results in a variable closed time-like curve.  This creates a "time field" between the wires.  The time curve advances into the future, constantly trying to overcome itself.  The faster the magnet spins, the faster it advances into the future.

Patent Pending (Around 2015 from what I've seen.)

Now, having created this device, I placed my head into the time field, so that the electrical feeds were lined up with my temples.  It was extremely painful, but I was able to get a flash of the future.  It was very brief.  Believe me, you can't hold your head in that thing for very long, and if you use it too many times, I'm pretty sure you'll get brain cancer.  Anyway, in this brief flash, I saw my computer screen.  It was just as I had published my last post of the month.  Along the right side I saw the titles of all the archived posts.  I made a quick note of them and then pulled my head out of the time field.  Smoke was pouring from my temples and my brain was throbbing, but I quickly grabbed a pen and paper and wrote down all of the post titles.  Then I think I blacked out. 

So, I knew the titles, but I didn't know anything about the content of the posts, which brings me to this post.  You see, I just assumed that "possible methods" referred to possible methods which physicists had proposed for traveling in time.  After all, this was Time Travel Month, right?  So, I set out to write a post about that.  Well, it wasn't going well.  I was knee deep in relativity, worm holes, the Casimir effect, and rotating lasers.  It wasn't making sense to me at all.  Even worse, I had the weirdest feeling that I wasn't writing the post I was supposed to write.  Something just felt...off.

Then I come to find out that Chanel over at Fabulously Neurotic had given me The Stylish Blogger Award.  I certainly appreciated the thought on her part, but I wasn't sure how I was going to fit it in with my time travel themed schedule.  I had seen the titles unmistakably.  There had been nothing about any awards.  There was no doubt about it.  I had to stick with the titles I had seen.  How was I possibly going to do this?  I was going to have to devise some method of fitting it in.  And then it hit me.  The title didn't refer to the "possible methods" of time travel.  The title was referring to the possible methods that I could come up with to accept this award and not disrupt my time travel theme.  These were my options:

1. I could just wait till next month to deal with this award.
2. I could continue to write my post that was going nowhere and then tack the award thing on at the end.
3. I could just make up a bunch of crap.

Well, it seems like option 3 is always my go-to move when I get stumped, so here I am, at it again.  On to the award:

It appears that there are some rules that go along with accepting this award:

1. Link back to the person that gave you the award (check)

2. Share seven things about myself.

3. Pass it on to ten blogs I'm following

4. Tell them I gave them the award (You know what; I'm going to pass on this last part.  Consider this a little experiment to separate the wheat from the chaff.  I lost a follower the other day.  Apparently someone had something better to do that read my uneducated ramblings.  Can you imagine?  So, consider this a test.  If you want this award you're going to have to come here and read this nonsense.  I'll know who reads, by who knows that they got the award.  Yeah!)

Okay, so seven things about me, hmmm:

1. I have a circular spot on the side of my head where hair has never grown.  I don't know why.  Seriously.

2. I have three cats, a dog, and wayyyy too much hair around my house.

3. But I don't have enough hair on my head.

4. I thought the Transformers was like the greatest thing when I was kid.  Now, I have no idea why I thought that.

5. Supposedly, I have an I.Q. of 142.  (Hey, you asked.)

6. I have a memory from when I was two weeks old.  I was born with some kind of rare intestinal defect where my muscle was knotted around my intestine or something.  I was throwing up almost all the food I was given, I guess.  One day when I was 2 weeks old, I was choking on my food and had to be rushed to the hospital.  I remember being on the couch and my mother running into the kitchen to use the phone on the wall.  I remember another baby that was in the room with me that had all these tubes and wires attached to it.  It seemed like there was a glow around it.  I remember everyone feeling sorry for this baby.  No one believes that I remember these things, but I do.

7. I did briefly attend college.  I majored in psychology.

Okay, so who am I going to give this too that doesn't already have it?

Vincent @ Wayfarer's Notes.  He's got an awesome blog, full of all kinds of deep musings.


Darv2005@Attitude and Pepper Spray.  An insider look at our penal system.


Rachel Hoyt@Rhyme Me a Smile. She's rhymes at all times.


Deanne@Some Days or Now. I really like her perspective on things.  And she's never afraid to disagree with me.


Tommy Douglas@Notes on Living.  We still don't know what happens when you strap buttered bread to a cat, and we only pray the world never finds out.


Martin Redford@The Perfect Male Blog.  By definition, trying to help me become a better person.


Doug Stevens@I Like Cheese.  Who doesn't like Cheese?


Patricia Lynne@My Journey Through the Pages.  Some nice honest thoughts about the writing a publishing process.


Asha Coleman@Random Ramblings of an Agnostic Mom.  She's just hilarious and clever, and my dreams make more sense to her than they do to me.


Lea White@My Writing Journey.  She's my daughter and she almost never reads this.  Actually, she'll probably be the only person on this list that doesn't realize she got the award.  Serves her right.


So there you go.  They said it couldn't be done, and I did it.  Actually, I said it couldn't be done.  That'll show me.


(This post is also available in extra cheesy version.)

Life is Good (I Guess)

Well, I was stumped trying to think of a good post to end the year with, and then Donna over at Refusing to Age Gracefully passed along this Life is Good Award:

What sort of unholiness has she signed me up for? Well, I guess I'm now under a contractual obligation under threat of death and dismemberment to:

1. First thank, and link back to the person who gave you the award.  (I'm sure my undying gratitude comes through clearly in the above sentiments.)

2. Answer the 10 survey questions.

3. Pass the award on to other bloggers that you hope to alienate.

4. Contact the bloggers you have chosen and tell them they're dying, and then say, "Just kidding...how do feel about answering questions?"

So, on to the questions:

1.  If you blog anonymously, are you happy doing this?  If you aren't anonymous, do you wish you started out anonymously, so that you could be anonymous now?

I actually do write another blog anonymously, it's called "How I'm Going to Kill My Neighbor in His Sleep."  It's details my plan to jimmy open the lock, creep quietly up the...oh, whoops!  Damn survey!  I hope my neighbor isn't reading this.

2. Describe an Incident that Shows Your Stubborn Side.

No.

3. What do you see when you really look at yourself in the mirror?

I see a parallel universe that's exactly like ours but everything's backwards.  There's this bald guy that lives there and he keeps staring at me every time I'm in the bathroom.  What a creep.  

4. What's your favorite summer cold drink?

I like to relax on the deck of my million dollar yacht with an ice cold margarita while my three diamond studded flying ponies put on a live theater production of Forest Gump in the sky above me.   

5. When you take time for yourself, what do you do?

Oh, I just buy duct tape and rope and write on my anonymous blog.  You know, the usual stuff.

6. Is there something you still want to accomplish in Life?

I'd like to beat the Guinness Book's record for the largest beard of bees.

 

7. When you attended school were you the class clown, the class overachiever, the shy person, or always ditching?

I remember this one time we put Drano in the teacher's coffee.  Oh, we laughed and laughed.  His wife was a little upset at the funeral, but I'm sure she sees the humor in it now.  Those were good times.

8. If you close your eyes and visualize a poignant moment in your life, what do you see?

The only thing I ever see when I close my eyes is a clown cutting off the tip of his tongue with a razor blade while tiny demons dance around him laughing in the flames.  The only way I can find peace is to kill again.  I wonder if my neighbor's home yet.

9. Is it easy for you to share your true self in your blog, or are you more comfortable writing about other people and events?

I'm bearing my soul here.  What do you want from me, survey?  I give and I give, and it's never good enough for you!  I hate you, survey!  You've ruined my life!

10. If you had a choice to sit down and read a book or talk on the phone, which would you do and why?

You know, it's funny you should ask.  I used to face this very choice every day, and it always left me paralyzed with indecision.  Then I heard about 1-800-Mmm-Book.  You call them up, and they read a book to you over the phone.  They've got Wuthering Heights, David Copperfield, all of the classics.  They're all read by this lady with a really breathy voice.  $9.99 a minute. 

So, there you go.  I should mention that I have a medical condition that renders me incapable of answering survey questions seriously.

I would like to pass this award on to:

I guess I'd like to inflict this on Scott @ Atypical Read.  Don't make me come looking for you.

Anyway, Happy New Year everybody.

See you on the other side.